Brad Meehan

All dogs go to Heaven. All cats go back to Hell.

"Colic" is crying for 3 hrs/day at least 3 times a week for 3 weeks. That's also the same symptoms of someone watching the Lifetime Channel.

Green is the new annoying.

I want to go to Heaven, but not 'High Heaven'. I heard it stinks.

Marriage Annoyance: Why are women so aggressive about buying but so passive about returning? We've donated clothes with tags still in them.

Marriage Double Standards: I get in' trouble' for taking $20 out of the ATM, yet I've scooped kitty litter into a Tiffany bag?

I think the IRS should start a dating service and match people based on income. 

Learned Jesse James was shot while dusting. Yet another reason not to help around the house.

My bride is such a neat-freak. It drives me nuts. Just to spite her, when I die I'm having my ashes scattered on the kitchen floor.

Malaria: I lost 15 pounds. Ask me how.

Talking dirty to my wife. Saying things I wouldn't normally say. "I unloaded the dishwasher without you asking." "You can buy those shoes."

Swineflu man-made? Tamiflu makers on my short-list of suspects. Them, and the dude who wrote Charlotte's Web.

My kids learned fractions by listening to mom 'try' to discipline them. "I'll to count to 3... 1, 2, 2 7/16, 2 5/8, 2 3/4..."

'Winegina' is one glass of wine too many to enjoy 'it'.

When they're babies, you want to spoil them. Now it's, 'Want. Want. Want.' Get a job! You're 7. Life ain't free. What, are you a Democrat?

How Not To Get Lucky Tip #127: Tell your wife that without you, she wouldn't even be a mother. Therefore, Mother's Day is your day.

Amazed at how women can have a bad dream about u and wake up mad. Me: "What'd I do wrong?" Her: "You know" How can she wake up mad? "Maybe she saw my dream?"

Friend and comedy writing partner Brie Johnson will appear on Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. She will be opening for her millionaire/hypnotist/zebra Anthony Cools at the Paris Hotel in Vegas.

Millionaire Matchmaker annoyances:

• Patti Stanger has a Super-Secret Database full of available women but yet every show she has to scramble to get enough girls to attend her mixers.
• Patti's catch phrase is "Does the penis go up and down off the couch?"  If you had a penis that could sit on a couch, you wouldn't need a matchmaker, you'd need a porn name and a moustache.
• She boasts a 99% success rate - the other 1% is apparently her. She's 47 and not married. She has a mysterious boyfriend that no one has seen - like Jan Brady's imaginary boyfriend "George Glass". (when they met, did Patti's penis get up off the couch?)
• Every show - despite the '99% success rate' - ends with  "...they did not see each other again".  That can't add up to 99%. Even my wife thinks that's bad math.
• The only tolerable person on the show is dude with the mowhawk.